So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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