My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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