update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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