I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
do nipples grow back?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
