If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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