Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just want to make out with him forever
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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