So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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