It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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