she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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