he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
