I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
