the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
