Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
