Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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