i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
