Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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