Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
