so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
