my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
