My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
