Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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