this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
