my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
