I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
