Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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