seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
