i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
