Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
