Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
