when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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