So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
