but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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