his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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