We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
