Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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