i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
