I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
