all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
