you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
