If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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