evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
