Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
