I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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