I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
third nipple confirmed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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