Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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