He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
