I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
