there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
