I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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