My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
