Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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